You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
