Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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