Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
