So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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