I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize