Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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