she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
