My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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