Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
