brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Randomize
