Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
