I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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