I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
