I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
