I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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