I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
