there's paper in my vomit.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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