I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
