i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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