Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
