I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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