How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
The adults are the big ones right?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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