Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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