This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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