I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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