just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
