I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
