Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
