he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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