so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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