do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
A+ Viking dick
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
