Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
