she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
