I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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