i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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