Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
