Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize