I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
They took my balls.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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