Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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