it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
