a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
