Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
