This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
