yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
There are leaves in my underwear?
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