I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
