Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
