Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
