My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
