VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
