Where did you get a picture of my penis
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Randomize