Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Randomize
