the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
