4 words: hood of his car
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Text me some of your sweat
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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