Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
