I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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