There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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