Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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