Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize